Open my eyes Lord

Open my eyes, that I may see Wondrous things from Your law. Psalm 119:18

This has been a challenging weekend for me. I have wanted to blog all weekend and just couldn't find the time. I love sharing with all of you the joys my daughter brings. I will eventually get to that in a different post, but now, I just need to share about me. I need prayer and therefore, I want to share with you where I am at. This may not make alot of sense. This is just kinda rambling for me so I can sort it all out in my head and with God so be patient as you read this.

Our morning started out with me trying to get a "little guiet time". I was so excited. I woke up and had actually slept through the night without waking. Woohoo! Jade wasnt' awake so I wanted to go downstairs and get a cup of coffee and open my bible. I have been desiring adult time and quiet time this week. Not getting enough of either. Needless to say, I sat on one of my cat's tails which set him off and that set the other cat off, which in turn woke up Jade. Quiet time...gone. The morning continued to snowball. Let's just say, we left the house for church at the time we were supposed to actually ARRIVE there. Not good. As I drove out the driveway, I said, "Why bother going? You're already late. She's not actually understanding anything she is hearing anyways."

Lord, change my heart. Change my thoughts. Change my mood. I found myself Friday night so missing China and SFCV. As this weekend has unfolded, a friend of mine asked me why am I feeling this way. What is it I am looking for that I think I would get from adult time, time to myself, my hair cut/colored? What is it? Lord, open my eyes. I want to see. I want to know.

This weekend, I started thinking about how life was so much simpler in China. I could see and hear God so much clearer. There were less distractions of everyday life there to pull you away from Him. I didn't really get "adult time" and conversation except on Sundays as I rode in an hour with the Bakers to church, for lunch and the ride home. Even though I longed for it, it was part of life there so I just dealt with it. I couldn't easily get to church more than once a week like I can here. If I wanted to be "fed", I had to do it myself. I couldn't easily get to a store to purchase things and I couldn't really shop as it wasn't in my budget and most things didn't fit me.

When I first returned to the states, I wanted to keep my life simlified. I lived with so little there and still had so much more than most of my friends there. I find myself wanting things here. Why? I don't need them. while in china, I didn't cut or highlight my hair. I was afraid of a bad haircut (flashbacks of teenage years) and couldn't justify spending a week's salary to go to Beijing and color my hair. I don't know if it was I just didn't feel pretty or feeling like a mom or flashbacks of my oldest friend telling me I was looking frumpy but I went and got my hair cut and low lighted. I love it but why did I feel like I NEEDED it.

Sometimes my head is a very scary place to spend time in. That is why I only want to hear from my Lord. I want peace back. I want to be focused on what He wants me to focus on in my life. If there is something He wants me to change, I am willing. If there is something He wants me to do or stop doing, I am willing. I want Him to be my center, like it was in China. I need Him there. He was my husband in China. To some of you, calling Him "my husband" doesn't make any sense but He was my confidant. He comforted me. He corrected me. He calmed me down. He refocused me. These are all the traits that many of you turn to your own husband for and I want Him like that for me here too. I haven't put Him there in the last few weeks and I want Him back there. There are so many decisions I have to make and I hate trusting myself to make good ones. I know there is no greater wisdom, understanding or discernment than I can get from my Lord and Savior. Just pray that I can find what I had with Him while I was in China back here in the states as a mother. There is nothing greater than this. I don't need all the rest. If He opens my eyes and shows me something, AMEN to that! If not, I am ok with that, as long as I can put Him in the center of my life again.