And He looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the treasury, and He saw also a certain poor widow putting in two mites. So He said, "Truly I say to you that this poor widow has put in more than all; for all these out of their abundance have put in offerings for God, but she out of her poverty put in all the livelihood that she had." Luke 21:1-4
As I write this, I want you to know these are my thoughts and my feelings. I'm using this to work through some things. Why I do it publicly, I'm not sure. All I know is it helps.
This started the other day as I read through one of my favorite blogs. http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/2010/02/she-was-eighteen-years-old-and-she-had.html I don't read alot of them...being a mom I don't have a lot of time but try to catch up on some of them once a month. This one always has spoke to my heart though. As I read all that she has done in Uganda, I ask myself "Could I give all the way she has if God asked me to?"
On a trip to Fushun, China in June 2008, I watched the orphans giving all to show us love...love for people who they only spent a few days with. I kept wondering then how people do that...just freely give all. The widow who gave all kept coming to mind during that trip. When I returned home from that trip, God then asked me if I was willing to give all. I was offered a chance to return to China and work a year in a foreign run orphanage (Shepherd's Field Children's Village). Also in front of me was something I had always longed for...a man who wanted to marry me. God asked though...was I willing to give it all? I sit here crying though I know with every ounce of my being I did what I was supposed to do. I gave him up and went to China. (I now know he was not the man that was designed for me nor was it my time.) As I read Katie's blog telling of all she has given and knowing that she is where she is supposed to be, it just made me start to think. Am I still giving it all for HIM?
I know that as much as God called me to go to SFCV for a year, He also called me to be home. On the day that I got the news that I was not to go, He spoke one thing to my heart to comfort me on why I was to be here. That has yet to happen so time will only tell if that was Him or just my head. No matter what, I know He has had me home so I could have the support I have needed to raise Jade, for my father's cancer and now one more thing has been added to the plate. I will share that at a later time but I know that My Father in heaven has known each of us before we have taken our first breath and He knows what is going to happen in our lives. There is NOTHING He can't handle and I will get through this one too.
While I have been home, I have found myself living more like the world. I'm not liking this at all. I had so little in China and it felt so good. Here, I have so much. I have this huge house. Unless God is going to fill it with a family, I feel selfish having it. I lived without my favorite foods due to the insane cost of them. I was unwilling to justify purchasing them. Now that I'm home, I don't seem to stop indulging on things that are not necessary but desired. I want to live a simplier life yet I am not making those choices. This bothers me. This is just one way I don't feel like I am giving "all."
I know that there is more to all of this and I need to sort it out in my head and in my heart. While I spent time with my best friend in Buffalo this past week, her oldest daughter asked her a question. "Why is Dawn always frustrated?" It made me cry. I'm not hiding it as much as I hoped I had been. I think I have it all in check so no one can see but something keeps eating at me. I can't put my finger on just one thing but it is effecting me so I am on edge and getting frustrated over little things. My head just keeps running things over and over. My doubts. My fears. My failures. Other people's opinions. I just want it all to stop.
This blog wasn't written in one sitting. As this day has progressed, I have come to realize something. For now, there is only one thing I need to give it all in...that is being a mom. I think that is where the enemy is hitting me. I have so many doubts, fears, areas I think I have already failed her in and worries over how other's are judging my abilities/inabilities as a mother. There is only one who matters. That is my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. As I tell Jade, He loves her more than I ever could. He also loves me more than anyone else ever could. Because of that, God the Father is going to continue to shape and mold me to be more like Jesus. He never said that being molded was easy. Being pinched. Being poked. Being put under heat. He never said that anyone would like it. Becoming the woman that He desires me to be involves challenges in my life. I have always said that I love the fact that He loves me so much that He wants to make me more like Jesus. I tell my friends that it is such an honor to know He loves us that much that He would do that for us and not leave us the way we are. May I come to a place that I can rest in knowing that this will all be so He can shine more through me. May I be able to freely give all to be the woman and mother He wants me to be for the child He has given me.