Monday, February 8, 2010

Five Months as a family

For God has not given us a spirit of fear: but of power, and of love and of a sound mind.  2 Timothy 1:7

It is hard to believe but five months ago today, Jade was placed in my arms.  I guess the picture of that day is very fresh in my mind as a friend of mine is running Project Chosen this month on her blog.  Each day is a new family's adoption story.  Our story is on there too.  As I showed the pictures to Jade, she knew it was me but didn't recognize herself in the picture from the day I got her.  She has seen herself in those glasses and the hat but didn't put the two together.  Maybe it is because she is so different from the child she was on that day. 

Jade came to me very anxious.  In three short years, this little one was abandoned at 7 days old, lived at an orphanage with different caretakers caring for her daily and spent 6 months or so living with a foster family.  Just as she would get comfortable and things were "stable" or predictable, things would change on her.  That is life for most children who live in an orphanage setting.  She had started to bond with a foster family only to be moved again.  I guess I started thinking about whether SHE thinks about that or not after the dream she had on Friday.

I went to go get her up from her nap when I heard her stirring.  It was different though.  Usually, she will call out my name.  Not this time.  All she kept saying was "here".  She just kept repeating it, slowly yet sounding very sad.  I wasn't sure if she was asleep or awake so I stood outside her door for awhile.  I called out her name a few times very quietly but no response.  She was sleeping.  She does talk in her sleep so this didn't surprise me.  It was her tone that did surprise me.  When she finally called out "mama", I went in to get her.  As soon as I picked her up, she started listing things and in chinglish, she told me those things were "bu here" or not here.  I continued to reassure her that each and every item was still here and that mama would always be here for her.

My heart broke for her and for other older orphans that can remember life before adoption.  How many of them go through this?  How many fear losing things that they have come to know...come to rely on...come to trust?  I can't imagine what some of them have gone through before they had a family much less what goes on in their heads afterwards.  As we drove to my friends house that evening, she asked me again  "Mama here?".  I frequently tell her "mama loves you...always."   This time I told her that and I will always be here for you.  I also told her that Jesus would always love her and also always be there for her.  Though she may not truly understand what that means for her life yet, it gave me comfort knowing that He is watching over her.  He is keeping watch and He never sleeps.  No matter what her fears are or my fears are, He does give us a spirit of power, of love and a sound mind when we call on Him during those times. Thank you Lord for doing that.  

1 comment:

Jeanette said...

Happy 5 month gotcha anniversary, such a sweet, sweet day.

I think about Sara Beth's life before she was placed in our arms all the time. It breaks my heart not knowing anything about her life, what she went through, what happened in her day in and day out life. As we are approaching her eye surgery on Wed., I am constantly thinking about when she had her lip repair in China and how the medical reports say she spent a MONTH in the hospital. I am so saddened that we could not be there for her during that time BUT I am constantly reassured that God has been with her since the moment she was conceived and He has never, for a single moment left her side.

Our sweet girls, such a miracle. Praying they will come to know and trust that we are here for them!

Beautiful post Dawn!