Why do I doubt?

And the L*rd said unto Moses, How long will this people provoke me? and how long will it be ere they believe me, for all the signs which I have shewed among them? Numbers 14:11

Do you ever have those days when you doubt your abilities? I have been lately. As I prepare my home for my daughter, I keep doubting my ability to make decisions. It is driving me nuts. I can't even make a paint choice decision. How am I going to make the big decisions for her?

I love how He has been speaking to me as I read through Numbers. There are many who have doubted in the promises that G*d has promised them. Why would I not be different? I no longer want to be there though. I don't want to doubt. I just want to trust in Him. He continues to remind me that He has shown me many signs that this is His will for my life. I am to be a mother, a mother of a little girl from Ch*na.

When I was hitting road blocks before my paperwork even got to Ch*na, I asked Him to close the door on this if it was not His will. He not only kept it open, He took me through my depression so I no longer need meds. I still have bouts of the depression but He takes me THROUGH it. He has taken me through so much. Why do I doubt that He is going to do this as well?

I know that as a single woman, many doubt that I should be doing this. It will extremely hard at times but with Him as my husband and her Abba Father, we will make it through. Pray I let this go.

I think what triggered it again today was the little voice of the enemy. I had some challenges painting her room today. I can't even begin to tell you the journey through this. Ladies, many of you will at least sympathize with me as many of you have had thoughts in your head of what your first child's room would look like. You have dreamed about it for a long time. I did too. For five years I thought about it. As a friend of mine assessed her room (it has lead paint in it), his suggestion was to touch up the trim only. Long story on the why but his counsel was wise. That meant I had to give up my dream. I know that the most beautiful thing in her room is going to be her, so why am I having trouble with this?

I finally surrendered and figured I would paint the trim and the ceiling only. My heart is still not completely in it. I started painting the ceiling with a friend of mine, I start to wonder why there are cracks showing up in the ceiling that weren't there before. All of a sudden it hits me! There is WALLPAPER on the ceiling! One of the bits of advice I was given was DON'T paint the wallpaper. What did I do? I painted wallpaper! This is when the enemy came in. That little voice of doubt saying, "See. You got wise counsel on this but you didn't listen. What makes you think you are going to listen to Him when He tells you what to do with your daughter?"

What it comes down to is I NEED PR*YER! I want to spend these next 10 days before I go and get my daughter in joy! This should be the most joyful time in my life! I no longer want the chains of doubt and insecurity wrapped around me. I want to be resting in His loving arms trusting that He is going to take care of everything like He already has. He tells me to "Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name; you are mine." Isaiah 43:1 L*rd, restore my soul.