Unforeseen Changes

Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him. Job 13:15

Ever have one of those days when something happens that you never thought would and it changes your entire future? That was where I was at lunch time on Tuesday.

I was checking my email at lunch time. I don't always do that at work but on that day, I had plans to go over to Newark so I could let my employer know that I wanted to request another year's leave of absence so I could return to Ch*na for the 2009-2010 school year. I was scanning through the subjects to see if there was anything I really needed to read. I can't always get Internet reception in the my friends' apartment where I am staying here in the states. I saw one that caught my eye labeled "News from Ch*na." It was from Tim Baker, the father of the two boys I teach and my employer. As I was reading it, I started feeling uneasy. As I continued on, I started having those old feelings I used to have with my anxiety attacks. I have not felt those feelings in almost 7 years. Tim was informing me that he and his family would be returning to the states in December and they were releasing me for my commitment to teach the boys.

Many of you know how much I have not only come to love those boys but the entire Baker family, the women and children of Sh*pherd's Field Children's Village as well as the country itself. I felt my world crashing around me as I read those words. I just kept saying "No! No! NO!" through all my tears. The women I am working with this summer immediately became concerned that something was happening to my adoption. They knew I was waiting for immigration to approve me to raise my daughter in Ch*na for the next year. I reassured them that it wasn't that but they also have seen how I light up when I talk about Ch*na. They have heard me repeatedly tell them that I have seen more growth in these two boys than I ever did in the past 20 years I have worked in Special Education. If you can't see the love I have for Ch*na when I speak about it, then you are blind. They knew how badly I wanted to be there.

As I left the building in tears, I just kept thinking "Did I hear you wrong L*rd? I had peace about returning to Ch*na and was faithfully stepping to fulfill that. Did I not hear you?" I know this email was a message from the Lrd as I received this email only 2 hours before I was going to request a leave of absence. Had it been any later, I wouldn't have had a job to return to this year and would be out on the job search with the rest of the country. I love that He does speak even if people think I am crazy when I say that. I love that when we wait on Him, He is faithful to direct our paths. It isn't always the door we wanted Him to open but it is always what is needed in our life.

I don't understand this. This is another thing I love about our L*rd and Savi*r. He gives us A PEACE THAT PASSES ALL UNDERSTAND through the gift of the H*ly Spir*t. I don't get it but I am doing ok. Each day is a new day and He IS restoring my soul. For some unknown reason, He needs me here in the states. It may be to keep Jade safe. If may be to keep me safe. It may be that I know have work to do here. It may just be that this where I was always meant to raise Jade yet He allowed me to hope for Ch*na until it was time for me to give it up. Maybe one day He will let me see the reason behind His plans. Maybe He won't. Either way, I am trusting in Him to lead me and guide me.

I am entering into the world of being a first time mother. Many mothers enter into this with a spouse to help them make decisions and someone to make mistakes with. He is just taking me into a place that I have to rely on Jes*s as my husband more and more.

There were so many good things I was involved in at Sh*pherd's Field Children's Village in addition to teaching two of the most amazing boys I have ever been blessed to teach. I ask the faithful ones to keep "my boys" in prayer. They will eventually be reentering the public school system and will be testing out the strategies they have learned over the past year. This will be a VERY CHALLENGING situation for them. They know that "Those who rest in the shadow of the Most High G*d will be kept safe by the Mighty One. "Psalm 91:1. Pr*y they are able to rely on the things He taught them this year. Keep Philip Baker in prayer as he will be having surgery to repair the fistula in his hard palate. Remember Esther Baker as she will start the school year in the states living with another family until her family returns in December. Pray for Tim and Pam Baker as they make decision for their family. The ladies of Sh*pherd's Field, what a gift they are to me...pray they draw close to Him and they are open to being used by G*d to share with their countrymen about the work that Jes*s has done in their lives.

I know He doesn't need me to be there to do the work I was doing for Him. He is a big G*d and can do it all without me. He is our Sh*pherd and they are His sheep. May more in Ch*na and at Sh*pherd's Field come to know Him as their Shepherd. It is so much easier when you are walking where He guides, ESPECIALLY when it is really hard to walk down a path and you DON'T want to be there. When you walk with Him, He lifts you up in ways you wouldn't get when you are choosing your own path. I don't ever want to be there again. I did that for more than 35 years of my life. I am so blessed that my daughter and I are loved by a gracious, merciful and faithful G*d and that He is watching over us.